Tip of the week: MAKE A STAND, FACE YOUR FEARS This was a special weekend for some of us. It was Easter weekend, a quintessential Christian event, and it coincided with the official entering of my daughter into adolescence. My ‘little cookie’ turned thirteen, in the middle of a global pandemic, and with her father singing happy birthday through a video call, seven hours ahead and twelve thousand kilometers away. Not easy, but we were grateful to be celebrating one more year! Unfortunately, as thousands if not millions of other kids, most of her childhood certainties have vanished within the last couple of years, and yet there she was, dancing, smiling, shining! Her strength, resilience, and inner joy inspired me and got me thinking. How am I, as an adult, responding to what life presents me with daily? Am I honoring my children’s willingness to overcome, succeed and be happy, no matter what? Am I? What about you?
In responding to this question, I found myself pondering what usually gets in the way of being successful and happy. While I still don’t have a definitive answer, and at this age, I doubt I will ever get one about almost anything, I am starting to believe that FEAR might be the most significant barrier.
As we grow into adulthood and even into our ‘golden years’ (what a euphemism!), we are constantly induced or taught to be ‘safe’, which is nothing less than the socially accepted term for being ‘afraid.’ With a simple but often repeated phrase: “Be careful with”, we are initiated and confirmed as full members of the “can’t, shouldn’t, and won’t do” world. Attentively looking backward, sideways, upward, downward, and forward, fear shows up as a common denominator behind my -and many people’s- actions and attitudes. With higher or lower intensity levels depending on the person and the circumstance, FEAR appears to be almost inevitably present.
Don’t do this; don’t do that. Do not say this; do not wear that. Do not think this; do not go there. Do not mingle with; do not visit that. Don’t, don’t, don’t. And if you dare to even think about going against the ‘advice,’ the consequences are dire and ‘certain’: you will lose your job, be laughed at, ostracized, judged, criticized, or ridiculed. You will become destitute, lose your reputation, lose your friends, family, partner, or your love. You will miss on a promotion, crack your standing, get into trouble, kill yourself or even go to hell!
I am most grateful for the teachings my parents, elders, professors, mentors, and every authority figure I’ve had in my life have generously bestowed upon me. I would not be who I am -and where I am- if not for them. BUT… perhaps I have focused too much on one side of the teachings. Maybe, I fixated on the tiny dot painted on a vast white canvas, missing the whole painting. What about you? How much of your daily behavior is driven by fear? Have you identified what do you fear the most? If you are saying to yourself that you are afraid of nothing… think again, and think hard!
An inventory of our fears might be a good way to face them and eventually overcome them. A candid and rational analysis might lead us to realize that some of these fears are unjustified or overstated. Is it true that if you do this -or if you don’t- you will lose your job, a promotion, or your friends? Really? What is the evidence you have to substantiate that fear? Is it true that if you say this -or if you don’t- you will be ridiculed or misjudged? If so, by whom and why is this so important to you? Should it be? What is the real impact on you, your family, or your career?
In a previous GMN, I wrote that “When fear pops into the equation, the intrinsic benefits of politeness, kindness, respect, empathy, and obedience go down the drain. When this happens, slowly but surely, we start conditioning our responses to gain immediate satisfaction -or avoid a loss- disregarding what we believe to be right. And when we do it, our moral compass gets lost and our self-value degraded.” At that time, I advocated for a speak-up culture and a revision of our teaching and managing paradigms. I still believe we need to speak our truth, but I’ve come to realize that such a speak-up culture -in our families and our jobs- can only be built if each of us looks more often into the mirror of his or her fears, get to know them better, and decide to question their validity. Undoubtedly, many of our fears will continue to stand and, unfortunately, dictate some of our daily behaviors. However, if we get into the habit of revisiting them often, with a critical and caring mind, I am sure several fears will vanish, and the remaining ones will not have the impact they now have on who we are and what we do.
It took me fifty years to understand what Michel de Montaigne coined in the sixteenth century, and Franklin D. Roosevelt masterfully recalled at his inaugural speech: THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF! I am sure you are wiser than me -and most likely younger- so I pray your learning will take less time and yield much more significant results.