LISTEN LINDA HONEY or LET’S TALK ABOUT LISTENING! The looks were turning into stares—the breathing of some accelerated. The fidgeting was notorious. The meeting was going nowhere. The organization had flown us into Budapest from -literally- every corner of the world to find ways to improve our workforce capacity, and we were failing. It was evident that if we continued as we were, we would not be able to find ways to improve our capacity as a managerial team, let alone help others. Amidst growing frustration, someone raised her voice over the others and said: Hey, listen, Linda, honey, listen! And then… the tension vanished as the laughter invaded the room! Most of us had seen the lovely video of three-year-old Mateo arguing with his mom over cupcakes and inviting her to listen ‘attentively’!
We realized that we were behaving like these two, but none of us was as cute as Mateo. Then each of us managed to shut up and listen, and -lo and behold- we very much got what we needed to get done.
One of these days, I found myself listening to me while talking with one of you, and I felt -well- embarrassed. I was listening to myself talking TO my friend while he was talking to me. It was a double NO-NO. I talked instead of listening. Even worst, I focused on what I was responding to instead of what I was being told. At that moment, it hit me, and I drove down memory lane to the meeting in Budapest, and the image of Mateo came to mind. How come at 50 I had yet to master the three-year-old lesson?
Perhaps I am more challenged than you are in the ‘Having Good Conversations’ department, but I am sure that at one point or another, with one person or another, we all have had our challenges. That’s why I decided to look into what facilitates a good conversation, and I found this short, insightful, and funny video of Celeste Headlee sharing her “10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation”. Although she gives us ten, she states, and I agree with her that if we could only MASTER one of them, we would be having much better conversations. I invite you to go one by one, mastering each of them with patience and care. I am doing my best but still struggling.
These are her ten rules for a good conversation, as I got them:
- Do not multitask; be present. It’s a basic one, but God, it’s hard!
- Do not pontificate. A conversation is two ways. If you want your opinion to prevail unchecked, write a blog.
- Use open-ended questions—that kind of question you cannot respond with a simple yes or no. People are fascinating if you only let them surprise you.
- Go with the flow. You’ll think of many things amidst the conversation; let those thoughts go away as peacefully and quietly as they arrived.
- If you don’t know, say it. Talk should not be cheap, and you should not cheat.
- Do not equate your experience with theirs. YES, we all have had a similar experience, but this is not your story. It is theirs.
- Do not repeat yourself. It’s boring and condescending and boring. Did I say boring?
- Stay out of the weeds. Shoot down the details no one cares about and get to the substance of your story. That’s what they want to know about.
- Listen (listen Linda, honey). We have two ears and one mouth. That may be a message from nature. Listening is not easy, but if you are not listening, you are not having a conversation.
- Be brief. Just like a good mini-skirt: “a conversation must be short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject”.
In a nutshell: conversations matter. People matter. You and I matter. So let’s put aside the distractors, care, take the time, or, if you can’t, say that you cannot talk at that moment and that you will get back as soon as you can. Then deliver on your word. I am sure that our conversations will improve and, most likely, our results as well. In the end, we will learn a lot more, and we will feel as valued as we should.
I am doing my best, but if at any time I fail, would you be so kind and caring and tell me?
Ten Ways to Have a Better Conversation:
I hope that you have a fruitful week, filled with good conversations and wonderful learnings!