Today’s tip: FORGET THE PARANOIA, EMBRACE THE PRONOIA!!!
Not long after arriving in Nigeria, I had the honor of being invited to a wedding. As Nigerian weddings are, this one had all the fanfare, the beautiful matching dresses, and the glamour of a red carpet event. There I was, almost on my way to church, when I came to realize that I had forgotten my belt! A minor thing you would say, unless you are a Latino man wearing a suit for the first time after almost a year of informal dressing, going to the first social event at his new duty station!
It was an image disaster waiting to happen -yes, call me fatuous, but that is what happened- and I had to avoid it at all cost. Luckily, a colleague was giving me a ride, and as soon as I entered his house, I laid down the facts and my needs. It was embarrassing and awkward. I barely knew him, he is more senior in age and level, and I was already abusing his generosity by taking a ride on his car to the event. At first, he heard me with disbelief -I pretended not to notice- but a second later, he burst into laughter, headed towards his bedroom, and came back with the salvation to my wardrove failure. We could now go to the wedding, and I felt complete! Of course, nobody noticed that I had -or did not have- my newly acquired belt on, but I knew it, and it was enough. I was a happy camper!
After the event, we went for a meeting, and I noticed my colleague pulling his pants up while we walked to the venue. I started freaking out, only to be completely miserable when I realized that he did not have a belt! Would it be possible that he gave me HIS belt so that I could have one? NO WAY, not possible, not happening… well, YES WAY, YES POSSIBLE, had happened! That day I learned many things, amongst them, that this colleague behaved as a GIVER and that I behaved like a TAKER.
In organizational psychology, there is a school of thought positing that there are three kinds of people: GIVERs, TAKERs, and MATCHERs. The GIVERs approach most of their interactions, thinking “what I can do for you”; the TAKERs are self-serving in their relationships and usually focus on “what can you do for me.” And, the MATCHERs, which constitute the majority, live their lives trying to balance giving and taking. “I match what you do -or don’t- for me.”
Research shows that from a purely individualistic perspective, TAKERs score better than GIVERs: they achieve more, sell more, climb faster. However, only one TAKER can poison a whole team and foster a paranoid environment in which everyone assumes that the others are up against them.
They are also more likely to fall as quickly as they have climbed, and they are generally disliked. They may win, but everybody else loses. The MATCHERs keep the engine running but will never allow nor facilitate their team reaching all their potential, and, what scares me, they enable the TAKERs to thrive. The GIVERs, instead -and at their cost- make the engine run smoothly, and by doing so, they foster an environment in which everyone wins. They enlarge the pizza so that everyone has more slices instead of taking the largest share for them and allowing others to go hungry. These people create a PRONOIA, an environment in which everyone promotes the others, speaks well of the others, helps the others.
I never said a word about the ‘belt affair’ to my colleague, but right there and then he taught me a life and leadership lesson I will not forget: ALWAYS BRING YOUR BELT!
Joke aside, I invite you all to forget about paranoia and fully, wholeheartedly, embrace PRONOIA. Please do what you can to make it a reality and not a dream. I plead with you to make conscious, consistent, and repeated efforts to become a GIVER, shun at TAKERs, and never, ever be content being a MATCHER.
Are you a giver or a taker:
Take care, and stay safe.