The disease of gossiping, grumbling, and back-biting. This is a grave illness which begins simply, perhaps even in small talk, and takes over a person, making him become a “sower of weeds” and in many cases, a cold-blooded killer of the good name of colleagues. It is the disease of cowardly persons who lack the courage to speak out directly, but instead speak behind other people’s backs. Let us be on our guard against the terrorism of gossip!
Gary Hamel
Wow, Pope Francis did not mince words in describing the ninth leadership disease and I am so very glad he did not. In doing so he has taught me two lessons in one: first, the obvious: beware of gossiping, grumbling, and back-biting; and second, go ahead and call a spade a spade, it’s the right thing to do however unpopular.
Although in theory, it is very easy to commit, even publicly, the reality is that to stop doing the first (gossip) and start doing the second (call it as you see it) is really difficult. There is a daily battle we must endure to deliver on our goodwill commitments on this matter. Despite our good intentions and efforts, we do not always come out victorious. Why?
Well, it so happens that our brains are wired to be very generous in judging ourselves and very demanding in judging others. We are biased in our favour and against everybody else, and like any other brain pattern, the more you practice the more neurological connections are made and the more automatic this becomes.
Joe Mull, in his conference on Why Gossip Starts & Spreads at Work, explains how the bias in our favour is called the “Illusory Superiority Bias”, leading us to believe that we are much better than everybody else. Whereas the “Fundamental Attribution Error”, is the bias we have when judging other person’s choices or behaviours, and this leads us to assume that those choices or behaviours are the results of the flawed character of the person and not the circumstances in which the choice or behaviour took place. Funny enough, when dealing with ourselves, it is all about the circumstances and not our character. There is always a legitimate reason for us to be late, but not for the others to do so!
When we repeat these judgments, time and again, we convince ourselves of the truth behind our assumptions (we are more virtuous than the others) and therefore we become ‘entitled to feel contempt’ towards those others and, more importantly, to share our contempt with other people, creating what researchers have called the Drama Triangle: The Victim (self-anointed), the Rescuer (self-anointed too, but selected by the Victim) and the Persecutor (most likely unaware of the new title bestowed unto him/her). Can you see yourself playing any of these roles lately? Please try, it is revealing!
The negative impact this Drama Triangle has on every human group is evident and we’ve all been a part of at least one of them. I want to believe that you and I would be much happier if we were no longer involved in such dramas. Then, how do we get out of the triangle?
Simple (well, kind of) commit to engaging in the following two, just two, behaviours:
- Assume good intent: What would be a legitimate and acceptable explanation for the behaviour I did not like? Why would a good person like my colleague do such a thing? If I were in their shoes, how would I react? Why would I react as the other person did? The minute we assume good intent, we push contempt aside and open the door to empathy.
- Go to the source: Should anything bother you, having assumed good intent, go to the source of your bother, annoyance, frustration, or anger. Raise it directly with them, as adults, without judgment with genuine openness, curiosity, and good faith, and try to understand. Then, help the other person understand you!
Just these two behaviours, if consistently applied, will help make the team that embraced them a high-performing team. Just don’t forget that, as Simon Sinek puts it, a team is not a group of people who work together, but a group of people who trust each other.
According to the Oxford Dictionary, ‘grumbling’ is the action or fact of complaining in a bad-tempered way. Have you crossed paths with ‘the grumblers? With those who have a problem for every solution, or those who constantly complain but do nothing else to solve the source of their grievances? Have you noticed your energy level after spending some time with these people?
I have and I dread it. I get exhausted, drained, and frustrated. Don’t get me wrong, we all need a helping hand, a shoulder to cry, a bear hug, a venting partner, and a person we can lean on. We all have our moments of weakness, despair, frustration, and fear. But if those moments are the norm instead of the exception, this is the time to make amends! You must do it for yourself, for those around you, and especially for those you go to seeking help or to unload your emotional cargo. Otherwise, you will continue living in a place of sorrow instead of hope, and I don’t wish that on anyone. If you need help, reach out, just don’t give up, and -please- stop complaining, start appreciating and get moving!
Finally, can we agree that if one is not willing or able to have an adult conversation with someone about something that annoyed, disturbed, or hurt them, it is only fair to request that this person refrains from going behind the person’s back assassinating her or his character? What are you going to do next time someone comes to you portraying themselves as victims and others as persecutors? Yes, it boils down to your reaction, because you cannot control their action.
Pope Francis came down hard on this one. He called this a ‘grave illness’ and referred to gossip as terrorism. How many casualties of work are out there due to this disease? How many casualties have we caused?
Let us have an honest conversation with ourselves and, following the Pope’s lead, let’s be bold, direct, and truthful about what we believe and what we see. Your team’s deliberate and joint effort to speak candidly, caringly, and truthfully will inevitably yield encouraging results.
Buena suerte!