I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU… DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT? Would you want to talk with anybody who jumpstarts a conversation with such a statement? Most likely not. I wonder, then, how come several of our most essential conversations are either triggered by or follow such feelings, albeit unspoken.
It is true that seldom -if ever- we share our emotional state before we invite someone to talk about something serious, particularly if we will address something unpleasant or if we fear it will provoke an undesirable response. However, the fact that we do not share our emotional state does not diminish its existence. On the contrary, most of the time, we engage in “those” conversations when we cannot avoid them anymore. Precisely, when we’ve had it. When we say ‘enough is enough.’ In other words, when we are very emotional… exactly when we should not!
Why do we procrastinate, avoid any conflict and engage with others only as a matter of last resort? It does not sound like a good idea to do so, but we do it nonetheless and often. It is a bit of irrationality, isn’t it?
As discussed in other GMN, one explanation might be that we -humans- need to be liked, accepted, and belong. We are gregarious beings. Loneliness, exclusion, and rejection are heavy loads that we avoid at all costs. Consequently, anything that we believe might set us apart is immediately processed as harmful, dangerous, and unnecessary. Fortunately, even when we do our best to avoid it, conflict is inevitable, and we should welcome this fact. Yes, you read me right, FORTUNATELY. I know this sounds weird, but please bear with me for a short while.
Think of any time when you disagreed with someone and presented your views to that person. How many of those memories brought back a stubborn willingness from you to contradict, hurt, attack, insult, demean, or humiliate that person? How many of those events, however challenging, were motivated by your eagerness to improve something, avoid a mistake, correct something you thought was wrong, or help the person with whom you disagreed? Most likely, the well-intended conflict outnumbered the ones driven by ego, anger, or revenge.
The truth is that improvements, corrections, and advancements often come from a clash of viewpoints. They come from differing ideas. They come from ‘conflict.’
I am not arguing that every conflict is positive, productive, or necessary. Indeed, if your reminiscing was honest, you might have recalled events (conflicts) that should not have unfolded as they did because your motives or the way you managed them were not right.
But I am saying that we should be more deliberate and aware of why and when the conflict must be welcomed, even sought after, instead of avoided.
Nowadays, most of our disputes are limited to verbal or written exchanges. They are the essence of what we know as ‘difficult conversations.’ It should be easy to talk or write about our impressions, ideas, opinions, and feelings. But it is not. Is this enough reason to give up? Or, instead, should we make a conscious effort to train ourselves and learn how to share our perspective in an assertive, positive, helpful, and effective manner?
Following the lead of Marlene Chism, particularly in her LinkedIn course Difficult conversations (linkedin.com), we should start defining conflict as an opportunity, not as a threat. A chance to learn, grow, have an impact, get things done, position yourself, and lead. It might not be pleasurable, easy, or always successful, but practice makes master, and the sooner you start, the easier it will get.
Ms. Chism gives many valuable tips, and I do plead with you to go through the whole course, but there are five things that I found essential before you engage:
- Identify your goal: What is it that you want to achieve? What is your ask? Do not engage in a difficult conversation if you are only ready to share what you dislike or do not want. Be sure of what you want the person to start or stop doing. Otherwise, it is not a conversation but a venting exercise, and these are not particularly constructive.
- Clear your emotions: Be sincere with yourself. Identify your feelings, accept them, name them in detail. Deal with your emotions. Then, think of the person as a person. Not as the cause of your emotions, but as the human being with whom you interact. What is good about them? Recall the times when your interactions have been pleasant, graceful, memorable.
- Do not take the bait: If you know what you want, go for it. Witty comebacks, provocative comments or gestures, are nothing but distractions. If the other party responds saying that you are wrong, unfair, over-sensitive, dramatic, or uses any other qualifier… TAKE IT. Accept it as a possibility and go back to your ask. You may say something like: Perhaps I am xxxx, perhaps you are right about xxxx, but I want to ask you to please xxxx.
- Be ready to stop: Almost nothing goes as planned. Why should a difficult conversation be different? If you find yourself losing control of the situation, including your feelings, adjourn the discussion and reschedule it, soon! The more you practice, the less postponements would be necessary.
- Address the issue and the person directly: We all need to feel validated, remember? Resist the urge to share your frustration to get confirmation from others about your understanding, position, or feelings. You are entitled to your opinion and emotions, and you do not need any validation to share them. Additionally, it is neither fair nor constructive to bring third parties into a bilateral disagreement.
Invite your family, friends, and colleagues to revisit the definition of conflict, avoid drama, and help each other develop the skills to engage in productive, polite, and forward-looking conversations, however difficult.
Benefits of Conflict – Part 1 – Bing video
Initiate Difficult Performance Conversations with Consultant, Marlene Chism – Bing video
Building Conflict Capacity – Bing video
Wow!